First of all, if you haven’t yet don’t forget to sign up for Santa-Fest 2011. Celebrate the spirit of giving with us for the holidays and make some new friends. (There are only a few more days left to sign up. That means I’ll stop nagging soon, but it also means you should get in now while there’s still time ^_^)
If you think the post below looks familiar, it’s because I posted it three weeks ago, and then in a fit of self-doubt pulled it again. I don’t know if I was more worried that people would hate it or that no one would comment (more likely, the second one). But I’m sucking it up today, because I really want your opinions and I need to learn to grow, right? 😀
I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around a querying issue. I’m in that place where I figure the problem must be with my writing/presentation, but at the same time I’m so close to it that I can’t see what it is.
I’ve narrowed it down to:
- The query is confusing, and/or
- It doesn’t show the aspects of the story that make it unique to the genre, and/or
- The story just isn’t an interesting concept
My amazing and kind and brilliant and wonderful CP’s have all helped me pore over this so many times I think they must be sick of it. So I’m asking for honest opinions (you have no idea how hard it is for me to ask for that. That’s how desperate I am to make this work :-))
For all the things Ronnie doesn’t know, the one thing she’s certain of is sane people don’t hear voices.
As an immortal servant of her god, Ronnie hunts demons. Or rather, she collects them from the inanimate objects they call home and holds onto them until further notice. Since she’s expected to serve without question, no one explained why she’s doing this, why no one else can, or why gods she’s never met want her dead but can’t seem to destroy her.
When the captured shadows start whispering things only she can hear, she can’t decide which is worse: that they chatter nonsensically, or that one wants her body for itself.
Then there’s the guy at the local diner whose aura makes her feel like she’s being flayed with a red-hot knife. Not to mention the sexy god whose presence seems to keep the voices quiet. Finding out the truth about both leads Ronnie to a discovery she never expected: she’s made from the recycled parts of an ancient god-killer, and one of the voices is a carry-over of the original.
Caught up in a divine plot, Ronnie must decide if her loyalties lie with a god doesn’t hesitate to destroy his servants on a whim, or one who believes every deception brings him a step closer to meeting his goals. Neither choice is appealing, leaving her searching for a third option. If she can’t figure out who to trust to help her get rid of the voices, she’ll spend the rest of eternity in a cell in the back of her head, watching herself destroy Elysium and Earth.
ELYSIUM’S CONSPIRACY is an 87,000 word fantasy with an urban-punk twist. It will appeal to readers who enjoy Neil Gaiman, Margaret Atwood, and Richelle Mead.
I like the first sentence, but it doesn’t seem to tie in with the rest of it (which is probably just me). It seems like if she is an immortal servant of a god, she shouldn’t consider herself a normal person, anyway?
Also, I think I’d stick in “that” in the first sentence, as in “For all the things Ronnie doesn’t know, the one thing she’s certain of is THAT…” That’s a nitpicky thing, though.
In the second paragraph, something is a little awkward in the wording. Maybe change it to “Since she’s expected to serve without question, no one has explained why she’s doing this, why no else can, or why gods she’s never met wnat her dead, but can’t seem to destroy her.”
In the second to last paragraph, there’s a word missing, which I imagine is just a typo. “Ronnie must decide if her loyalties lie with a god who doesn’t hesitate to destroy…” Or maybe eve change the wording to something like “Ronnie must decide if her loyalties lie with a god who destroys his servants on a whim, or…”
In the same paragraph, perhaps simplify the sentence to “If she can’t figure out who to trust, she’ll spend the rest of…” The part in between about the voices seems unnecessary.
I think it sounds very interesting! And I’m no expert, but thought I would throw out a couple minor things I saw.
Shannon at The Warrior Muse gearing up for the upcoming 2012 A to Z Challenge!
I’m not sure my first comment on your blog should be critiquing a query, but here I am anyway. Remember, this is only my opinion, so just pretend I didn’t write anything you consider completely unhelpful :).
I would agree that the query is confusing. After reading it, I still wasn’t too sure what the story was about. I was clear on the MC (Ronnie), and that she was special, and that this was set in a different sort of world (so, fantasy).
What lost me was that second to last paragraph (“Caught up in a divine plot…”). Suddenly, there were two gods we hadn’t heard about before, and I have no idea why Ronnie has to decide to be loyal to either of them. I also wasn’t sure how her destroying Elysium and Earth had appeared in the plot either. I thought she was a recycled god killer? How does that fit in with destroying Elysium and Earth?
What are her main problems? It sounds like she needs to get rid of the voices. Is this because the original god killer could take charge? If so, perhaps make this clear, because I didn’t get that. If not, how about giving the reason behind her need to get rid of the voices – whether it’s possession, or being driven mad, or whatever?
I don’t know your story, but simplifying it down a little (which is a lot easier to say than to do, I know), could help. For example, “As the voice of the god killer grows stronger, ready to take command of Ronnie’s body, she must decide who to trust to quieten him forever. If she can’t, she’ll spend the rest of eternity locked in the back of her head, watching her body destroy Elysium and Earth.”
Again, I reiterate, all this is just my opinion, and I don’t know your story, so I could be talking a load of rubbish.
I hope you find something helpful in my comments, though, and, despite being confused, the story sounded interesting and unique to me.