Time for me to toss this out to the general public again. I’m trying to polish my query for Apathy’s Hero and I think I’ve been staring at it too long. I know I’m missing something – maybe conflict or motivation or sympathetic characters or something – but I can’t tell what any more.
So I’m asking (begging) for help. If anyone has any thoughts on the below, I’d love to hear them. What works, what doesn’t, all that good stuff. And if anyone needs query help in return, let me know in the comments and leave a way to get in touch with you and I’m happy to help.
Update 1 Updated based on Beth’s feedback ^_^
Conner has lost countless friends and lovers to the gods’ never-ending power struggles. Shielding himself with indifference is his key to survival. When Ronnie – the angel he loved and watched die three thousand years ago – reappears in his life, he remembers how much it hurts to give a damn.
Conner is determined to help Ronnie discover why she’s been given a second chance. He hopes knowing will let him bury the memories and get back to not caring. Since Ronnie’s previous incarnation assassinated a powerful deity, the gods aren’t waiting for the answer. They’ll obliterate Ronnie and anything that stands in the way to save themselves. If Conner embraces apathy again and looks the other way, millions of people, including Ronnie will pay the deadly price. For the first time in his life Conner must admit that even doing nothing is a choice.
Siding with Ronnie against all of Elysium gnaws a hole in Conner’s sanity as more of their companions fall victim to the slaughter. He’ll have to take a stand and decide if he can sacrifice some lives to save immeasurable others, knowing the consequences will haunt him for the rest of eternity.
Any thoughts?
The only thing I would say is that maybe find a better link between first and second paragraph. It feels odd that he’s just been reminded how much it hurts to care and now he’s determined to do something.