(I was going to post a political almost-rant today, but…this seemed more along the lines of my current state of mind).

When I finished Uriel’s Fall the first time…three years ago or so…I thought it was the most amazing thing in existence. At least, in my own personal creationary existence. Okay, so it was only about 55k words. And the ending was a little weak. And I knew I needed to go back and add some description…

…but it was awesome. Because I wrote it in a month or so. And it all just flowed out. And that made it the most amazing story ever and it was unique and I was ready to start querying even though I hadn’t even done a first edit yet, but it didn’t matter because I’d edit while the queries were out and then it would be brilliant by the time literary agents were knocking down my door to get to me.

True story.

Fortunately, I have a short attention span and gave up querying after about four rejections. Oh, and it was an abysmal query. Even worse than the novel. This is how it opened: Since long before they could record their history, humanity has questioned the nature of God. Uriel’s Fall is the first book in a series of many that approaches these questions from a new angle, placing age-old beliefs in a different light. This is not Christian fiction or a story of redemption, but rather an exploration of perception.

I cringe just reading it again, and almost weep to post it publicly, but…we all learn and move on, right? No need to critique the above, I’ve learned from my mistakes on that one ^_^

I got bored, I shelved the book and the queries, and came back to it all about a year ago. Since then, it’s been through two major (major, major) revisions. I don’t go back and read the original, because it’s like watching those TV shows from when you were a kid. You have fond memories of them, and you know that seeing Lion-o hold up that sword and shout ‘Thunder, thunder, Thunder cats, HO!’ as an adult will just obliterate the memory.

So in my head, that first draft is still brillant. It had devices in it that I loved that never made it past the first draft. It had action-packed story elements. It had dead goddesses living in rings. Okay, it still does, but that’s a different story. (No, really, it’s the sequal).

But occasionally I think “I wonder, since the story has changed so much, what if I went back and cleaned up the original. Edited it, polished it, etc. Would I have a separate story?”

Yesterday I asked someone to read it who had seen the original. She’s seen my other work in various stages of editing, too. But she’s never as fond of the first drafts. Go figure. This is the comment I got back: “I noticed the elements from Uriel’s Fall…but this story is far more interesting and well thought out.”

I pouted when I read that. Not because she likes the new stuff, but because it was a reminder of how bad the old stuff was. I’m still cleaning out the flowery, over-written prose I was infatuated with at the time from the current manuscript. I still see traces of the really bad subplot that made the story border on erotic romance (it wasn’t the sub-genre that was bad, just the subplot). But…it’s my baby. Sure, the ugly duckling has grown into a swan (though the jury is still out on whether or not it’s a beautiful swan), but I still loved the ugly duckling. Don’t all parents think their babies are beautiful?

But it’s also a great reminder of how far I’ve come. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’m capable of revising anything. But…then someone is sweet enough to remind me…

I think every single one of us looks at our old/unpolished writing and winces. Especially if it’s in print now. But even though we know it’s not our best, does anyone else still feel just a little twinge of ‘ouch’ when someone else points out those same flaws?